As Written By A Child

A little boy was asked to write
a book report on the entire Bible.
Here is what he wrote:

In the beginning,
which occurred near the start,
there was nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas.

The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one,"
but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said,
"Give me a light!"
and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.

Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren't embarrassed because
mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one
bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden
of Eden ... not sure what they were driven in
though, because they didn't have cars back then.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who
hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people
died off, except for Methuselah, who
lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people
was Noah, who was a good guy, but
one of his kids was kind of a Ham.

Noah built a large boat and put
his family and some animals on it.

He asked some other people to join him, but
they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah, came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

Jacob was more famous than his brother,
Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his
birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.

Jacob had a son named Joseph
who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses,
whose real name was Charlton Heston.

Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt
and away from the evil Pharaoh after God
sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.

These plagues included frogs,
mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights
every day with manicotti.

Then he gave them His
Top Ten Commandments.

These include:
don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance,
or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua
who was the first Bible guy to use spies.

Joshua fought the battle of Geritol
and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David... He got to be
king by killing a giant with a slingshot.

He had a son named Solomon
who had about 300 wives
and 500 porcupines.

My teacher says he was wise, but
that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon, there were a
bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah,
who was swallowed by a big whale
and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets,
but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament
came the New Testament.

Jesus is the star of
The New Testament.

He was born in
Bethlehem in a barn.

(I wish I had been born in a barn because
my mom is always saying to me, "Close the
door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be
nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was.")

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with
sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus.

Judas was so evil that they named
a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.

He healed many leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys
put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.

Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.
He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins,
then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be
back at the end of the Aluminum.

His return is foretold
in the book of Revolution.
Safe In the Arms of Jesus!
Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world.
Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight.
Jesus loves the little children of the world!
Are We Like Jesus?
Safe Am I - Home Page
A Tale Worth Remembering
Sign My Guestbook
"All My Pages"
View My Guestbook